Life On One Level

I like to pretend
that the life I lead
is the one that I chose.

And I did choose it.

Chose it because
it was safe.

Still

all my questions
and uncertainties
remain.

And I want
some surprises.

And I want
some excitement.

And I want
the life
I might have had

if only I hadn't been
so afraid.

Raging in silence

There is
a devil raging inside of me,
only she has
a pretty voice.

And can wear pretty clothes.

You know the ones,
those reserved for perfection,
those above you and me.

Believing the lie.

So far from pretty when bones
jut out
from all angles

and small is no longer small enough.

The other one

I could be someone
if only I had been born
in another skin.

One which did not require
as much nurturing
or energy.

A girl who was
all those incredible things
to everyone.

To anyone.

Just passing

Passing time
on your way through
until the other
finds you
wanton
expecting
adored
to the point where I
cannot compete.

A point in time.

Who passed.

Then how come
I have never moved?

From where you are

Drip drop.

Drip drop.

With each ebb and flow

I lose control

Smoothed around the circumference,

Eroded from the middle.

Drip drop.

Drip drop

Drop drip.

Imperceptibly erased from within.

I only wanted

To numb the pain.

Drip.

Drop.

Drip.           Drop.

Drip.

Hairline Fracture

So I hid my brokenness.

But kept on breaking.

Over again.
Over again.

It kept on.

Breaking.

I kept breaking.

Over.
Over.

But I hid my brokenness.
So you wouldn't see.

Mind

I’m slightly crazy

or is that slightly mad

mad about you

you who control

control all my thoughts

thoughts of a different life

life beyond fear

fear of rejection

rejection of me

me who knows nothing

nothing is clear

clear away depict

depict within myself

myself alone

alone amongst the tears

tears that fall

fall away from a world

world in chaos

chaos travels my mind,

I mind.