Stitch Unpicker

Fraying

and I can't seem to stop

and the words I want to come
fail

unravelling

and still I smile

and live with "I am fine"

and this is too hard

From quiet beginnings

Barefoot
Underneath his feet
An earth which has
Bore down
Upon his unbridled soul
And carved out it’s name
Into the hollows
Of night
Till he was
Brought to his knees
By a ghost of the present
A scrabble in the dirt
Until he feels the grains
Of passing time etched
In his faltering hands
The place marked by
Nothing more than
Salt and water
Before that too fades away
And his feet are
Unsheathed
Like they are waiting
To be washed
By a greater being
Where then in the eyes of the world
Will he truly be equal
Not barefoot
Or humble.

Two sides of the same

I have hated you from the moment you entered my life,
Fought, tooth and nail, to keep your thoughts at bay,
Imprisoned you when all you could do was plead for mercy
And buried you far beneath my consciousness,
Never to speak your name.

And yet,
Somehow,
We end up here, in this place, with you stood at my side.
My right hand man.
My right hand shadow.
Casting anarchy into the mix,
Questioning every choice that I have ever made
Then leaving me to pick up the pieces when it all goes to hell.

And we have gone to hell, you and I,
Punishment,
Or reward?
Take your pick
Because on some days they don’t seem that far apart
But I feel you are exactly, precisely, where you planned to be,
Pushing,
As I pretend that I can lead.

I have loved you from the moment you entered my life.

A small truth

Bathed under glistening diamonds,
Caught in the faint shadow
Of a watching moon,
I shelter under your protection,
Kept safe.

I want to stay this way forever.

But that word is a lie
And those who use it
Speak of a truth they do not know
And cannot hold.

Washed clean
I cling to the light you have
Left behind.

Forfeit

I am not
afraid of the dark.

It is the light
I fear most.

For once you have stood
in its warmth
how can you go back?

All that awaits

No escape my Queen,
Your duty will always remain duty,
The wonder which slid into mundane.

A promise of the world carved out
Only to fade,
As your embellished throne
Sits hard underneath,
With threadbare cushions.

You are expected to wear it well,
Nothing less,
There is no second chance
You do this completely or not at all.

So wipe the look of disdain from your face,

No escape,

Learn to wear it well,
Do it well,
Be well,
Bury the desire for anything else.

Hiatus

Excuse me
Whilst I move to the edges
Pause the chaos
Just for a while
Then return
To battle on regardless.

This weeks forecast

Snow falls,
Covering the cracks
So that all is pristine.

A beauty which prevails,
Masking,
Hiding,
Burying ugliness.

Kept out of view
Lest you should remember,
Startle and take flight.

Yet I
Fail to forget
And carry the weight
On my shoulders,
Waiting
For a break in the weather.

Hands

I’m sorry

Sorry my hands are tied

Not dripping in blood
But covered none the less

Sorry

Sorry they fought the wrong battle
For the wrong ideals
And made no difference at all

Sorry they grew old

Like decay could prevent the crisis
Lock me down before I even began

Keep demons at bay

Sorry they are flawed

Cold and calculating
When what you deserved was warmth

I am sorry

They told you that everyday

Battle Hardy

I love how my world bends round

Like I can meet myself
Coming back

Where in those few nanoseconds
We can live in the pretence
Of now

Of a world where all is as it seems

Not hidden
Nor kept buried

Because should the truth find voice
My battle hardy soldiers
Would run screaming in terror

Or shoot themselves at dawn for cowardliness.

Dare to breath

Some nights I wonder
If I could announce that I
Was the worst kind of monster

(A criminal against who
Charges of
Acts against humanity
Have been levied)

And you would still sit there

Impassive

Like I barely filtered any more
Into your subconscious

Acceptable only when I hide
Emotion away

With a smile faked
To make what has become our life
OK.

Before you we wait

I get to be queen,
Play at being The Empress,
Just,
Merciful,
The final word
In the eyes of my loyal subjects.

They have laid their souls bare,
Placed them on the table
Then stepped back,
As if I am suppose to know
What to do.

But I don’t (I whisper.)

I get to play,
Act like I know what I'm doing
And pass judgement.

Judgement without having a clue.

But I get to be queen.

the empty promise of youth

You told me
You’d be back for me
And I waited
young and naïve
With a heart pounding.

Every second I
Kept on believing.

Each night
Where I waited for
The creak of the door
Before your shadow
Would disappear
Taunting the heart
I held open
in my withered hands.

And it bled me dry
Until the voice once soothing
Claimed back those words
Unleashing vengeance
Turning them into
Nothing more than
An empty pile of ashes
To burn in my mind.

Now

You are in all the empty spaces
The lack of you
Fills them completely
As if serving to remind me
Of your missing presence
The peacefulness
Screaming out your name
Because it can no longer forget.

Tell me how can you be gone
Yet still be so present?

Wednesday

Waste.

We always end up with waste,
No matter how hard we try,

Paid for,
Owned.

Whilst those above us,
Below us,
Around,
Shake their heads and tut
As if they can’t comprehend
How we could be so foolish;

How you could be so foolish.

Blinkered.

Piling up the dregs
Until they rot from the bottom up,
Bleeding,
Staining every surface it contacts.

Marking it out as flawed.
Marking me out as flawed.

Waste we never got rid off.

The left over pieces we let perish
And erode
Because you were afraid to throw it away.

Accomplice

If we watch you
Crawl out of your skin
Does that make us complicit
In the slow unadulterated
Murder of self

A taking apart
As such

An itch that can’t seem
To be scratched
Unless it is broken and pulled
And left open
To the air
Inviting all that could infect
In
With open arms
To bed down and linger
And rot

Or does it makes us
Human
As we choose to love
All you seek to destroy

Yet fail to prevent
The world from crushing
Life weary bones

The other face

…
Yet there is no light for me
Only a dark shadow
Like hope has cast off her cloak
To reinvent herself
Now in her place the sense of nothingness
The pain which keeps tearing
Long after the initial rip fades
Where I have learnt the promise
Of quietness
Kept close the mask I wear in faith
All in her name
Because those who knew best
Saw little but her beauty
Where as I, I belonged to her ugly side.

gasoline

we have tossed the match
struck against our hard edges

burning

thrown caution to the wind
into our gasoline
breath held
the spark to set us alight

or leave us an empty shell

decimated

Wind the darkness of day into our souls

And so it starts,

a gradual walking away,
the next step
as our threads pull tight,
stretched around
the void we find between us.

Spinning through the universe
until...

we are deafened.

(They will claim they heard nothing.)

(They will say it was worn,
around the edges.)

We snap.
And my hands are left empty.

Call into question

Can I ask?

Can I
ask as I
hold out my hand?

Would you understand?

Grasp the moment to
bring it close
to your chest.

Ready to share.

Can I ask?
For that piece of hope
small
insignificant.

Or is my mouth bound?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe

I’m not playing

Not anymore
Not this game
Nor any others you care to invent
Like you are better than me
More worthy

Like you have crawled over me
To climb the ladder

Executed the manoeuvre with precision
Then lauded it from on high
The smug self satisfaction radiating
Irritating
Obscene

I will not play

You will not position yourself above me
Not when all you seek to bring
Is destruction.

The game has ceased to be fun.

Nights

I wake
Screaming

A need to get away

Retract into the dark
To keep myself
Safe

But you trawl
Through the sheets

Willing

Looking at me
With expectant eyes
As if I should know
Truth

We are tired

And my dreams
Haunted.

Mid-flight

They are taking it down slowly
In pieces so small
Just fragments
Collateral damage
The pin prick in your fine film
Minuet

Until it spreads

Hidden beneath the doubler
You wear like a mask
A patch to hid the lie

But you have eroded
Cracks radiating off in all directions
There will come a time
For breaking point

When you fall from the skies
Disintegrating.

The Mistress

I have felt death,
Traced his edges
With each and every fibre
Of my very being;
Welcomed him in,
Even on the days I didn’t
Want to,
To sit at my table
And wait.
He has made his home
Safe in the knowledge
That soon I will
Bow to his might,
Brought to my knees
By a dark mistress he dares
To cast out in to the world.
Yet he has offered me choices.

Right (When all that is left is wrong)

If it is time
Why does it feel like I've always been late?
That somewhere along the line
I missed the big event
Because I was too busy trying to be right.

Right dress,
Right shoes,
Right hair,
Right life.

Too busy masking the faults.

So that by the time I got there
The show had been and gone,
Leaving me with nothing but space.

Hobbies

We collect
me and my archangel

my fallen angel
carved now in black
shrouded
covered in a mist

we collect
me and my broken angel

by my side
her fingers twisting
enticing

winding in the fine bonds
till they are threads

we collect
my devil angel and me

together

like she hasn't noticed I see
that our paths forked
along time ago

we collect
an angel and me

me and my monster

we collect

me
I

I collect dust
she collects me.

Transient

You sound tired of me,
like I have done something
you long to forget,
wipe clean from your memory
'til there is no trace.

A blank space
where you can implant the child
I should have been.

The small hand who would
cling to yours,
contented with all that was her lot,
or die trying.

If it brings you any comfort,
I do.

And I am as tired as me as you are.

Self inflicted

In this fractured moment
It is my heart which has sunk
To new depths
Because I was found to be
Nothing more than a coward

Of the worst kind

Loving the misery which bound itself
To all that stood between us
And the life we were promised

As my self inflicted wounds
Radiated against your self defence

With their premeditated excuses

We have unwittingly provided
Life to this world where I fail
To take the steps necessary
To be welcomed back with open arms

Closed off
I long for the day
Where you discover I was never who I said

And take matters into your own hands.

In law

What it is to be brave and heroic
A lion amongst men

And yet here you are
Choosing the cowards way out
Letting your knights inflict the fatal wound
Because you were not man enough
To look the one time ally in the eye.

I believed you were better than that.

Break time

I could play it safe
Until the day I die

But then I would never know
If this world where I reside
Is a haunted illusion I created
Or all I was ever meant to have.

Cold Compress

Wake
To find God’s failed master plan
Abandoning these defences
As the charging enemy
Bears down
With a mighty force
Worthy of any victor.

The Commander in Chief
Deserting
Taking his loyal followers
Out into the wilderness
To turn from heroes into traitors.

Forsaking
A Queen left in solitude
Amid her stretching kingdom
When all she wanted to do
Was compress logic and reason
And haunting images
Into fractured pieces
So tiny
They would pass unnoticed.

Cut and Run

One day you will wake
To find me gone
Like a bird flitting the nest

Fleeing

Our cotton sheets still warm
My imprint marked by creases

And you will wonder
How you never noticed my leaving
How the fixed smile never slipped
Like it was welded
To my core

The essence of me

As day light breaks over
The empty space.

BFF

Ana taught me the grace
In self denial.

Mia
How to have my cake and eat it.

Hell why stop at one?

And now the two sit side by side
Bosoms buddies.
Best friends forever.

Whilst I get to starve and puke
In equal measure.

And wonder how the fuck I was
Pushed to the sidelines.

Promising

It's the after,
when words have fled,
abandoned positions
to leave me exposed,

yet wanting more.

In the moments
where I am stripped down,
to nothing but bones,

it is there
I remember that I felt.

And that it didn't feel
so utterly hopeless.

end of the line

Your phone doesn’t work anymore

Instead it sits on the mantelpiece

Dead

They cut it off when we

Stopped paying the bills

Seemed logical given the circumstances

But I can’t even leave you a message

Even if I did know what to say

Your number’s stopped working

You don’t connect anymore

(and I miss you)

Patience of a angel

How small can you make yourself?

Will the air invade your space
And fill out all that has been lost
Or whittled away
To create the illusion of wholeness

So you can hide from view in plain sight

And pretend

Then squeeze yourself out some more
Before a gentle hand implants itself into yours
Saying;
We are ready to catch you when you fall.

Paying off the debt

I have earned the right
To feel every piece
Of invading emptiness.

Or it has earned me
I am never quite sure.

And they will never say.

A slight vision of heaven?
An engraving of hell?

Each absent mouthful
Bringing us here
To this abandoned place.

rein in

Curbed
My soul finds
New ways
To make itself
Small
To prevent
Her oozing wounds
From being noticed
In case
The world
Should judge
And condemn her
For letting
All those mighty dreams
Drift away
On the retreating tide
When she could have
Held on.

Two rights...maybe they do make a wrong

I was
Everything
And nothing
All at the same time

Yet that cannot be

Neither sits right
Alongside
each other

It wore me out
Created holes
In my fabric

My being

Everything slipped out

Now I am nothing.

Fledgling

I could not fly
When the weight
Of everything I was not
Kept me tethered
To the safety
Of all I knew

I let my wings be clipped
So I could shelter
Under the banner of home

When all along
The little bird pushed
Against her imposed boundaries
And cried
“I want to fly,
I want to fly.”

No way down

I almost knew you
thought for a moment
the name fitted
binding wounds together
to make you whole
once more

but it slipped
uncertain

as you shed your outer layers

lost in the white out
you wore your face well.

Strong Hold

If I have dreams of more
Then they dance in the shadows

Boxed

Creatures of no substance who shift in the breeze
Moving under the weight of hands
Gripped around my waist

Crushed

And my walls I built deftly
Stand the test of time

Keeping those seeking shelter
Guarded
And the enemy at bay.

Mistaken

I slept at your door
but you didn't come

not really

a ghost of your impression
let me in
and made me coffee

so we could sit side by side
to talk about
all those things we might change

yet kept buried

the thoughts we knew
would break us.

Lionheart

I have heard you roar
The quiet beating heart
Of a lion
Unleashed into time and space
To burn
Your desire into the consciousness
Of those who would
Fall at your feet and worship.

And we have watched you soar.

Me V's Irony V's Plain Tragic

Life swallowed me whole
Then spat me back out.
Which is quite ironical really
As I spend the whole of my days
Copying her actions.

Shadowing

Dark things

Hidden

Cast out amongst shadows

To live between

The crevasses we create

Beautiful in it’s perfection

Before it is exposed

Shredded

The very heart of my soul.

Leaving her mark

Torn across a universe
like two edges
who fail to meet
or knit together
and leave a raised scar
of imperfection
so God himself
can trace
the blemish we make
on his otherwise
flawless landscape.

And sit in judgement.

Dot to Dot

A thousand cuts
marked out each day,
added to,
joining dots
. .... .. ...... ....
until
they form a path
for fingers to trace.

A Pause

Six months and counting,
Time marches on
And the world continues
Unabashed; unabated.

And in that frame
A window in to your world,
Where it all went to hell.

We watched you tumble
In free fall,
Yet it was all we could do to keep up
Let alone hold you still.
9 weeks
Of losing our sense
Whilst you lost yours.
Till you hit the ground
And stopped.

I would like to say
It was the same for us,
But it wasn’t.

A pause.

Then life had to go on
Because that is what happens.

Tides are always turning

If I have left you
In every way possible,
Burnt my bridges
Without ever leaving,
Or retreated behind
Ancient battlements
Then I am sorry.
I wanted to protect;

The trouble is
Who I did it for
Changed every day.

History

Never
got under your surface

despite intense hours
of excavation

I thought you were a blank canvas
on which I could paint
I see it now

you had covered over

buried deep
all of those parts I wanted to see

a pauper in queens clothing

you let me sift in dust

Quilting

I took it,
Took what little scraps
Could be found,
Stretched and stitched them,
Wove them into a blanket
To cover the flaws.
Laid out thin,
A veil,
One which hid from view
All I did not want you to see,
Or carry.
Small pieces I used
To pretend that this was all ok.

Out manoeuvred

I think I could be Queen of entire nations
And I would still feel small.

While subjects trust my every word
Her voice resounding around in empty chambers,
Bouncing off walls,
Will shadow their faith
Leaving me the hollow vessel who stands
Upright.

Spouting out pleasantries and smiles at will
Till they are all satisfied,
Contented in their belief
That their monarch is true.

How easy they were to fool
As I opened my mouth to formulate a speech
Devastating in its delivery,
Yet found eyes pleading into my depths,
Calling out.

So in those final moments when I had choice
I chose to please them
And leave her voice a prisoner in my mind
Where my battle will be personal.

Fortitude

I don’t want it to get easier;
Do you understand?
If getting easier means
We come to forget all you meant.
I want to stand in the rain,
Or sun,
Muttering words under my breath
About yesterday, till I find
The courage to be loud.

Novella

If you could read me
Would I be the blank page
With nothing remarkable to show
Or a story book
Already written
With nowhere new to go?

Debellatio

In my wake
Destruction
All wrought for you

Brought down
Within a clenched iron fist

My weapon of choice

You said the
Word
So I carved out chaos

Sent the masses fleeing
In all directions
As unease settled
Like a blanket of snow
Over the land

And how it burnt.

A garden and a library

Standing on the edge of the world
Watching,

The view from here
Illuminating your chosen path
As it meanders
Then turns in a moment
To race full pelt towards
Infinity.

Finality.

To where we cannot follow,
Dare not.

Not because we have loved you less
But if we go
Step along your footprints
Then who would be here
To shout your name
Remind the world
That no matter what it cares to throw
In our directions
Kindness matters
And implants itself like a seed
To grow strong around our hearts
So that
In times of drought
There will be new shoots ready to
Take the place
Of everything which dies away.

You put that there
Cultivated us
And we grew bold

And learnt how to garden.

Your path will wait

And when the days grow short
Then
Then we will follow.

Overthrown

A queen has made her home
In my ruins
Sat on her throne she looks to me
In the shadows
Eyes burning
Alive with all the quiet things
She dares me to ask
Yet acknowledges I will not say
She picks her battles well
Where as I
I have kept my enemies closer
To retreat until I am safe
At a distance
Cast out in to the remote edges
Where my will
Can no longer be heard.

no free will of their own

Free will
The choice between
Right and wrong
Seated there
In black and white.

The whole essence
Of what makes us human
All that defines us
Placed in two small words.

We choose to be
Who we are.

But what if it was taken
From me?

Picked at
Worn away
Eroded
Ever so slightly
With each passing day.

And nights
Which were meant to be filled
With steadying dreams
Descended to the depth
Of hell
With me on her back
Carried like a child
Weak
Unopposing
Afraid to call out.

I never wanted a fuss.

We closed our eyes
We sealed our lips
It became enough to get through
The days.

And in the mist
Me, vacant
An empty vessel
Waiting to be filled
With lies she cultivated in grace
Her certainty ingrained
Into my living thoughts
Leaving no room for me
Or free will.

But without
I am less than human
And walk alone.

Last line of defence

My heart aches
A thousand times over
Then keeps spreading
Like there is nothing left
To contain it
The battlements obliterated
Our defences gone
Till all that remains
Is this.

And we seep.

Harbour

I can make it still.

Calm the waves;
Hold the storm in my hands
Caressing
And turn it’s energy inwards.

I can do this for you,
In the blink of an eye
Whilst humanity
Favours the bold.

But I can make it still.

Genie

I wish you could see the world from where I stand,
All shiny and new,
Alight with endless possibilities of who you could be;
Food for the soul.
Open doors, that if you just had the courage to step through,
Would stave off the feeling you fight so hard to hide.
The whole world is yours
And yours alone.
There for the taking when you rise from this dark sleep.

I wish you would stop trying to fade away.

In a sunlit woodland

I have a picture
of a girl
where she hangs in the breeze,
waiting,
for someone to notice.

But the feet
they tread past and
their eyes don't wander,
not from the path.

(It's not their fault they have
hardened their hearts.)

Life's lessons
too painful to assimilate,
a girl with their face,
my beautiful picture.

Dreaming of Hospital Beds in Dinning Rooms

If I tell the air that I miss you
Will you hear it on the breeze
As it passes by?

Face towards the sun
We sit,
Remembering those summers past
When the day was long
And the nights warm.

This was all we knew,
Nothing else was needed.

Now I am meant to be brave,
Pretend not to notice the wind,
Ignore the chill
As it settles into my bones.

But I miss you
And there is this pain
Which refuses to leave
Because we watched you fall.

Casting shadows at dawn

You disappear
down the stairs,
out of the house
in the blink of an eye,
before we have chance
to grasp your hand.

You were here
and then you weren't.

Now we chase shadows
in the street,
imagining
they might be you.

They are not.

Written on a piece of paper, folded and forgotten

Seize the day babe.

Only I forgot
As the day got long
And drifted from view.

Instead
I grew scared.

And settled into this life.
Happy.

Or not.

Wrong Direction

We turned left at the end
of the universe.

We were meant to go right.

And now the stars are
behind us
weeping
as we move
farther and farther away.

And the light goes out.
And it is dark.
And the world we once knew
                             fails to materialize.

We went left
We were meant to go right.

Off centre

Wonky
Like everything in life is
At the moment.

I have been
Hung at an angle.

Converging lines that
Somewhere in the not too distant
Future
Will collide.

Crossed paths
That never should meet.

No business is it of theirs
If I struggle to balance
Keep my keel even
They were designed to be parallel
Set apart
Always.

I was flawed
Made uneven.

Nailed to the wall.

Up-dating

There was a problem starting
Your data…
Message to the world;
There always has been.
Why it should change now
Is beyond me.
But it’s there,
In black and white,
In print,
For everybody to see.
Turn me off and on again.
If that doesn't work
Try a reboot.
But I think it’s the hard drive.
Faulty wiring from the start
You see.
Some problems can’t be solved,
Besides time has marched on
Maybe it’s best to upgrade;
Bigger, better, brighter.
I belong to the past
With all those other gadgets
You forgot about.

small steps, a mighty fall

I slip
and it aches
small
against the universe.
No worse
than the day
before

and yet

when did it become
all moments?

A breath
I struggle to make.

My air
refusing
to leave it's home
without a fight.
My fall from grace
beautiful
in its simplicity.

But still it aches
as I slowly
come undone.

They do not grow old...

Immortal
A never ending life
Only without the living part.

You will stay the same
Stationary in time.

Caught at forty five
As we grow old and weary.

And if the world begins to forget
We shall whisper your name
Gentle on the breeze
To soar over oceans.

One word to keep you close
Embroidered into spaces between us.

Because it will not matter
Where you are
You will always be here.

Oh still small voice

Before
the crushing storm
left you battered

and bruised

almost to the point
where you are
paralysed
with fear

a small voice of calm

who whispers
in your ear
you have been here before

and you have won.

The Girl Who Waited

I was never worshipped
Or adored
Not with any passion;
All consuming.

Loved, yes;
Steady and gentle.
Forgiven
Acts of betrayal
Without question
As if there was nothing
To it;
Water off a ducks back.

Like that
Was all that was needed.

And I should be grateful.
I should.
I know I should.

Because that is who I am.

Just me, here,
Waiting for your mercy,
Impassive,
Compliant.

Just someone who waits.

But underneath all this
I wanted to be some bodies world.

In your hands

Some days
I know too much
and not enough
at all
like I have stared
into the very heart
of life
yet come away
aching.

Quiet at the end of my bed

There is a hand
to hold
when no one is watching.

A boy
who will dance unashamedly
in the dark.

Whatever you need.
Whenever.

Anything
it takes to get you through.
Everything.

His hand you will hold.
When you weep.
When you smile.

In thick and thin.

Until the end of time.

Square Root

Girl in the corner.

Boy
Sprawled on the floor.

Between them
Imperfect numbers
Holding them apart.

He cannot ask.

She cannot say.

She would like
To write them off
Ignore them as they fall.

Spend the rest of her life
Facing that wall.

In denial.

He wants to
Ram them down her throat
Until she remembers
How to reignite.

He misses the spark.

Instead
They sit there.

More
Than their sum total.

Less than life.

Specks

Clearing away
specks
of life
those tiny marks
which hold
your existance
and keep
you rooted in
our reality.

Not nearly

It wasn't nearly enough,
never has been,
never will.

I can pretend all I like
but the truth
is sewn to my side,
stitched in time

and pain.

Embedded into everything
I do,
or don't.

And even if I pull the thread,
the scars they give me away,
till the world
turns it's back.

Left out in the cold
because I wanted more.

Yet not nearly enough.

Star of stage and screen

The end when it came
was peaceful and still
played out
on an empty stage

no evidence
of a final twist
to encapture the audience

just you alone

like life could no longer
be found

not here
not in this air we breath
not amongst the empty rows

and how silently you went
slipped away

our ever shining star.

Wizards and War Lords

His smile was fixed.

He had practised it down to perfection
Knew the ways the corners should tilt.
How high.
How wide.
When it should reach his eyes.

And oh!
He could make them shine
Sparkling in all directions.

That boy.

Whole and adoring.

Your unfaltering happiness
His consuming heart break.

He wanted you to forget.

Break off
In one clean sweep.

Walk away without turning back
Just leave him standing there
Engulfed.

In solitary hurt.

And you couldn't even do that.

All the world is a stage

Welcome
to the cheap seats
where the view
of your world
is blocked
by pillars and posts.

And the guy
next to you is no
prince
he simply
called in to
shelter from the rain.

Whispering the past

There is a voice
so small

etched
in the dark

engrained

so absent
that
sometimes I wonder
if she exists

existed
at all

but she did

I did

a voice so lost
drowned out by
background

foreground

which ever ground
I tread on now

so faint I thought
I'd fail to hear

But I am still here.
"I am still here"
she seems to say.

Watching not waiting

Wait.

There.

Wait.

Please.

Wait.
Wait.
Wait.

Then it is gone.
Fallen from my lips.

You pause.

And for the smallest moment
I hope.

Back towards me.
You have stopped.

A silent plea,
Turn round.
Turn round.
Turn round.

And I think you might.

But you do not hear.
Never have.
And you start again,
Never looking back.

Wait
I want to cry.

But I don’t.

Scrap yard

No thought left
In my mind
I am alone now

Like they have been pulled
Deliberately
With ease
From their home

Or seeped.

I failed to hold on.
Let you down.

All those things I tried
To fill
Absent.
Until this is how it feels.

And I am devoid.

Defective and unworkable
Like there is nothing left
Apart from
Alone.

Swimming without armbands

Staving off
the pull of your ocean
like I am
eking out time
until
a final decision is made

and I will sink or swim.

Future, present, past

Today
shouldering the blame
of all that cannot be found
as it shelters under warmth
hidden from view

a delicate line between
this world and yours

where the choice
was not so clear cut
when life was lacking

and eternity
not so far from reach.