Look skyward in stillness

Wait for me
when my mind slips

falls down to that place
where all I can do
is stand
lost

bathed in nothing
and afraid

Keep space for me
like I might return

that this battle
is not yet
over

Stay still
at least for this while

give me time to adjust
before you
turn out all the stars
and move out of
my reach.

Variable Rate

No lightness is worth this,
Not on the days when you’re hunched over,
Broken,
Like the doll she left behind,
When her youthful days were over and fading,
When smears of red, smudge against chapped lips
And the back of dirty hands.

It is too much,
A price no person in their right minds
would be willing to fork out,
Yet you do.
Time and time again.

The interest of a debt
that was never yours in the first place,
Still you pay,
APR mounting, insurmountable,
And lightness has turned to dark,
A mass to keep you rooted,
Tied down.

There ought to be clowns

You have taken the moment
To distance yourself,
Reached the point where my pushing
Became a shove,
Where finally you get the hint.

Just as I find some courage.

Just as I am ready to begin.

You find yourself at the end
And I am left clinging on
To thread bare ropes,
With a prayer,
That if I talk and smile enough
For the both of us
You won’t leave.

Relinquish

I don’t turn up for the battle,
Not because I hate you
Or am angry,
Rather I am sad.
And drained.
And some days I forget
If we are friend or foe.
Days where I want to laze in the sun,
Not plough through the mud,
Churning over old ground
For small advances.
Days where my absence might at least
Afford you victory.

Loose ends

The girl served you well,
Best of the best,
Each passing hour rendering her
Dutiful beyond her lowly commission.

The moments at your side
Weighted in her solitude,
Waiting for the dawn.

The fracture in time when you,
Her mistress,
Finally took the bait
To cast her aside.

An idea
She had been more worthy
Than nature intended,
Banished.

Tasks once intimate, prized,
Pulled from under life weary feet,
Returned,
Reclaimed,
Simply an act.

A role.

Expected.

With nowhere left to go.

Apart from faded hallways,
Echoing to the sounds
Of life
Continuing, unabated, as hers
Is gently wound up.

I knock quietly at your door, you open it yet never let me in

Well?

And I shouldn’t be surprised
Really

Still
I can’t help it
and it would have been nice

Just this once

To feel like I had someone on my side

That in the middle of this darkness
Unsure of where to go
There was a hand in mine

Ready to squeeze when I lost my footing

Never mind
Doesn’t matter

It’s beside the point
(Just keep telling myself that)

I’ll let it go
Pretend that it doesn’t sting
One more wound to add to
My ever growing list

Sorry
To have bothered you.

below par

I am not broken.

You cannot fix
What was always faulty.

Soundness of judgement

There is an edge
Like a knife
Or a sword

Fine
Unrelenting
Unyielding

And he says we’re balance on it
As if we could just stand there

As if that is the easiest thing
In the whole wide world

As if we wouldn’t notice

Just there

See

Where the wrappers and films
And boxes
And outer cases
And empty packets
And tissues
And toothpaste
Cover

There

Where I failed to notice

And I think he is right

Only not balanced but teetering
Like at the brink of disaster.

Sleepwalking

He finds himself watching

Eyes never still

Flicking between the solid masses
And air so fine
He believes he could fall through
Without leaving the faintest trace

A spark in hand
Perhaps the only indication
That there is life present on the edge

A sign

The beacon for would be rescuers

Beneath the weight of all that is us

I have loved you past
The moment
We should have
Ceased to be.

Off
And on into the great
Unknown.

Where all that we were
Is weighted
By millstones to carry us
Down
Or stretch far beyond the
Point of breaking.

And how I have broken
Whilst you have never done
Anything other than
Love my entirety.

Damaging Awkwardness

Some days
In your company
I feel alone

Like we are no longer us

Two beings who falter
Fail to connect

Who struggle to find
The time where we were
Comfortable

Alive

Pushing the world forward
With the momentum of
Our unity

Instead you slip
From my hold

Implant the distance
To keep you
A fingertip out of reach
And stretch the binds
Of our love.

Changing Under the Full Moon

There is something we should say
About her

Before you start

Instead we stand in the doorway
Hovering
Unsure of the meaning
You will weave into our words

Afraid of the battered mind
Who will drag herself back to us
Only when she has clawed out
Your innards
And left you disembowelled

Her self remorse unbridled

Yet she will have loved you
And been loved

Surely every one in life deserves that chance?

Skirmish

No white flag
To signal our surrender,
When our will is strong
And made to be inflexible,
When on the parapet we stand,
Sure footed and fixed.

A permanent fixture in time.

Even if beneath us
the walls crumble and fall away.

No surrender.

Tempest

We fought hell and high water
Even without waterproofs or waders
And got thoroughly soaked to the bone
For our efforts

Not to say that it wasn’t worth it

Still it was cold
Or hot
In equal measures

And we were warriors through and through
Suitable hero’s of the hour
Lifted to the sky in worship

But we can’t fight this.

The moment before dawn

When I wake
I watch you in your silent slumber

And wonder

Are your dreams where you find
Sanctuary or
Are you brought down to your knees
A million times over

Punished for your failings

Like there is no definite distinction between
Night and day

I watch you in sleep
As I watch you in life

And can’t help the feeling
That I
Failed to protect you.

As our future approaches

It will be me

in the fire
burning at dawn

blazing

scorching around the edges
catching
alone
as the world watches on

me
constrained by tendrils
of wire and rope and chains
and all that never
materialized

it will be you

the onlooker
protected
engulfed by the masses
surrounded

but it will be me
on my own

as I burn in my hell.

Research

Pondered over
Examined

Raided

Like I was theirs to own

The specimen in a jar
Who evaded all hope of classification

Until the one could be found

The one who could make me laugh

From the soul
From the core of our world

And lift me high
Before it came crashing

Before it stopped

The experiment on a shelf
The one who failed

Forgotten.

Turning out the sky

Sunset at dawn

We wonder how
the night got so long
Or came so soon

How the stars failed
To light
The heaven we had made

Or when had it got
So late

Too late

Too late in the day
When it was meant to be
Ours

Now what we see
Is not light at all
Only dusk
And the pending darkness

As our sun fails.

Braille

I have lost my way
In the darkness

Become caught
Between
Barbs and thorns

Entangled

The pathetic creature
Ensnared in the trap
I set down
In the first place

We have forgotten the days
When we didn’t have to
Tend the wounds
Or mop up
Spilt blood

And we give off
Nothing but wretched cries

Waiting

For tiny pin pricks

The delicate embossing
Which will weave our worn out life
Into a tragic story.

life in the shallows

She could lay all day in that bed,
Waiting,
But it’s not coming,
At least not the elusive missing piece,
The part of the puzzle she has become convinced
That if she just found
Could mould her into this space she occupies,
A cure,
The antidote to all that makes her weak and feeble;
A flag stone of perfection cemented against her own imperfection
To keep her standing in years to come.
Instead she shuffles,
Room to room,
Faltering,.
The empty search in the empty house
Made so because she has thrown out the contents
Ashamed of the light they cast her in;
Wicked and cruel.
Nothing she owned was ever enough,
Instead she chose to float in the shallows
With nothing in her hands but a lie.

Council is called at midday

On a Saturday
We pulled our chairs tight
Around the table

The ritual of being

And our voices were loud
Our conversations weighted

Yet we never heard

I opened my mouth to a
Strangled cry
Only to push it away

Afraid I would be found wanting

Ornaments and Fairy Lights

There is a space
Quite tangible
Yet unnamed

A hollow
That walks beside us

The void we have grown
To love
And fill
With all the moments
We have gathered
In the passing of time

A darkness we have decorated
To walk in the light.

The Easing

Blame
Does not lay at any
Of our feet

Rather it flits
From side to side unable
To find its home
But still sits
Heavy on our shoulders

A burden
We have carried for too long

Weighted down
Pulling us back into the dirt
In the hope
We might be halfway human
And find comfort
In the gentleness we ease into
Each others life.

Bored Games

Caught between games;

We were rubbish at chess,
I could never remember the moves
No matter how hard you tried to teach me
And I cared more about the pieces
Than the end result.

I felt bad at monopoly
When you landed on my squares
Where I’d built hotels,
Wiping the little houses of the board,
Then expecting you to pay for the privilege.
So I’d let you off.

And none of us should have to die
Leaving a killer in our mist,
Even if all the clues point in their direction.

Now we don’t play,
Just sit side by side pondering where we go from here.

When the dust has settled

We fought with such ferocity
That as far as the eye could see
In all directions
Was nothing left but waste ground
A ruin of what had once stood
Strong and proud

And we walked amongst it
Stepped cautiously over shattered remnants
Afraid of the dust
we crushed under feet

Too ashamed to acknowledge
How love had brought life down to its knees
And all that remained
Was the toxic air we fought to breath.

Quiet things

We will sit across from each other
Planted on hard wood
That digs incessantly into the angles of us
Ignoring the urge to shift
To break the routine
In case what we give it all up for is nothing
Whilst the air around us
Swims with these thoughts that infect
Harbours under dirty nails
To be picked at.

Loops and hooks

Want…
Need…

I don’t know
Where each begins,
Or any ends.

By all means.
(But is it justified?)

Were you me?
Perhaps I you?
Where we wanted,
Needed,
The same.

Until.

This.

All left hanging.

Severance

I loved you
When there was nobody
Else to love

When we had
Chased them all away

Left them locked out
To peer through the keyhole
Into our world

The place
We had created

Crafted under fine fingers
Then bound tight
With threads of our very existence
Which kept us safe

I was not.

Now I am cutting the chords
And one day soon
I will
Let them back in to heal
The wounds of your binding.

And I will not love you
With any part that matters.

Caught

In the dark a breath against your own,

Her hush
Blown through the corners of your mind,

The west wind that soothes,
Comforts,
Soundless and still,

The echo that resounds with ferocity,
Ever increasing,
Ever foreboding,

Her breath against yours,
Stealing.

Standing at the gates

I came,
Running,
Screaming as monsters
And demons
And all things hideous
Gathered at my back.

Nipping
At my heels.

Biting.

Chewing down on flesh.
Upon flesh.
Upon flesh.
Upon bone or skin.
Upon life as we have known it.
Knew it.
Seen it.

Inhaling such a fine stench
Of blood;
Dried
Or weeping
It was hard to tell.

Where they failed to care.

I wanted to,
Thought that I should,
But terror prevailed too the extend
That I,
This wreak,
A creature of frailty
And error,
An abomination,
Sailed past the gates
Opened to afford me safety
Straight into the arms of the devil herself.

And there,
Resided.

Until all that was reflected
Was the image
She had so meticulously sculpted.

Perpetual Motion

Shifting
Changing
In that moment when you thought
Your feet were firmly planted
She takes the ground
From under your feet
And you find yourself scrabbling
Running for terra firma
Clawing through vanishing earth
Filled with the fear
A dread
The unsettling knowledge
That if you could only reach the target
You would not be safe
Never as she promised
Because the goal post would move
Again
With you
Caught in the endless cycle.

Semblance

We could never lose,
Were never meant to,
At least that what we were
Led to believe.

Rotten waste sculpted,
Laid out for all to admire
And gasp at;
The genius of an artistic mind,
Beautiful without even knowing.

Only it all bollocks,
Complete and utter,
As my father would like to say
And apparently the rest of the world,
If you care to ask.

Do you care to?
Or did you know all along?

Plotting to hide the truth away
Leaving just me,
A faltering idiot,
Who all could laugh at.

Kings

I wanted to keep you
Even when I knew I couldn’t
Shouldn’t

Far passed the end of the road
Worn and fading
You were the only thing which remained real
Tangible
I didn’t want to let go
To be cast adrift

I wanted to keep you
Find a way to bring it all back
Make you smile again

Like I owed you

My safety net
The last heart that would ever been mine.

(I saw the others fall away.)

Guardian

Was there beauty in the words she whispered
Close against your ear?

Because I thought I saw you cower,
Sink down to shredded knees
And weep as innocence was lost.

My mistake;
She could never be
anything other than an angel watching over you.

Bonded, bound, broken

We are made up of layers
like over the centuries
we
have been bonded together to be
made strong.




A mass
of impenetrable armour




worn.




Worn out under the gaze of
traitors in our midst.




Now my layers are nothing but
translucent
a covering of tissue paper strung out
against her wind.

feeding time at the asylum

I have fed you pain and lies
Twisting words
Thoughts
Deeds
Blending them into mush
Before sieving them through your soul
To watch as they bled between veins
Coursing
Consuming
A witness for all that you lack.

Hush-hush

I say nothing,
Like we could forget.

Then amidst your call
You tell me you haven’t;
I will not be forgotten.

But I want you to Mum.

I want to edge out,

I want to walk the line
Until the day it runs out
(Or becomes so blurred against life
the two become indistinguishable.)

To be the shadow in the corner,
Waiting.

To seep quietly out through my veins

And if I fail at that
To drag from the depths of self
A world where there is no place for me.

I want to do all that in silence.

A year goes by...

I haven’t gotten over it
Nor come to terms
Or found that
Time heals all wounds,
We miss you the same
As we did
At the start,
But life has plans,
Systems in place
To get you through those
Hard days
And you find that the ache
Which clung to your bones
So wantonly
Has moved,
Guided to it’s final
Resting place.
And it hasn’t shrunk,
Or lost it’s gravity,
You have expanded
To hold it.
Tender round the edges
we accept the pain
Because it is part of
What is left of you.
But not everything.